practice makes (im)perfect
“i have a story that you want to quit your job.”
i had just shared my update in our monthly forum meeting, and one of the members - usually a quiet, contemplative gentleman - shocked me. but as i sat with his feedback, i noticed that it felt… true.
…shit.
that moment lead me to a new awareness - a part of myself that i wasn’t willing to acknowledge. a part of me that i was actually pretty actively fighting against. my time at my current job (and in my current career, it turns out) was coming to an end. my inner self knew it, but my rational self wasn’t ready to admit it. until then.
honestly, if i hadn’t been a member of that leadership forum, i might still be stuck. stuck in a job i didn’t want. stuck in a depression cycle i didn’t see, and stuck in a debt-cycle that would have kept spiraling out of control.
because of that group of kind-hearted but candid peers, i was able to see my below-the-line state of mind, and make the shift to agency. to having a choice of how i wanted to live my life.
within a few months, everything had changed.
radically candid feedback
there’s a deliberate safety in leadership forums: all members are committed to confidentiality, care, and candor. over my year with this particular group, we’d built a strong sense of trust and care for one another - but that trust and care came with a purpose: to give and receive radically candid feedback.
kim scott’s definition of radical candor is the ability to challenge directly while caring deeply for the person you’re sharing feedback with. and that fellow-forumite, in that moment, exemplified radical candor. i’m sure it was a scary thing to share - that i might have been lying to myself - but he took the leap and shared his story in the hope that it would be of benefit to me. that wouldn’t have happened without those prerequisites.
confidentiality: everyone in the group committed to 100% confidentiality. to share anything that happened in forum (whether content or context), we needed permission from the group, or from the specific person who had shared that content. it might seem aggressive, but that serious cone of silence allowed for an extra level of vulnerability and trust. deeeep conversations around business, bosses, business partners, partners, spouses, children, and more.
care: we were all in on support for each other. over the years, forum’s i’ve facilitated or participated in have dealt with cheating partners, arrests, business fraud, questioning of identity, mental health crises, and so much more. in all of it, we lifted each other up. while we didn’t always agree with someone’s choice, we saw past that into the human that stood beneath it. some of my forum-mates are my closest friends and allies to this day. of course, we celebrated and uplifted successes as well, but it was the care in the darker moments that always stood out for each of us.
candor: as an enneagram nine (the peacemaker), sharing feedback that could be seen as ‘pokey’ is terrifying to me. what if they don’t like me because of what i share? what if - god forbid - i make them… cry? that would be terrible. but these forums are the places that changed my attitude about conflict and candor. some of the things i said did result in tears. some required more conversation and offline repair. but most of the time, my feedback was met with a simple ‘thank you.’ honestly, it was lifechanging for me to experience sharing hard feedback in a room where i could experiment and even play gently with my approach to sharing feedback and opinions - as well as experiment and watch how i internalized others’ feedback for me.
deepening the practice
i initially enrolled in a forum because i wanted to intellectually understand more of what conscious leadership was - i had covered the basics, but was really interested in getting deeper with the theory. turns out, the actual learning happened around a consistent practice. as i look back, a few key structures of forum helped me form habits and patterns that completely changed my leadership (and way of living).
regular updates: an expectation of every forum meeting was a time where we would individually share updates - what had happened over the last month, personally, professionally, and elsewhere - and receive feedback from the group on our share. preparing updates helped me quantify and categorize what had happened in my life, and communicate it in an efficient but candid manner. the magic here though was the feedback. whether stories or thoughts about what i did (or didn’t) share, noticings of emotions or body sensations around certain topics, or simple suggestions of what i might do differently, the feedback from those updates was intensely personal, and i was then offered the opportunity to not just sit in my current situation, but actively make choices to move forward, with accountability and support.
deep dives: topics varied by month, but i loved spending an extended amount of time rehashing and integrating the choices of conscious leadership. let’s spend two full hours working through a ‘happening now’ example of how the opposite of my story may help ease a particularly tense relationship at work? or an evening working through a particular unconscious commitment i may have? hell. yes.
learning partners: as a part of forum, we were expected to spend at least 30min per week on a call with our learning partner (another member that we’d been paired with). this time was invaluable - checking in weekly on agreements or commitments, sharing thoughts on ongoing issues, and supporting each other outside of the one time per month we spent together. my learning partners helped me make my job-switch actionable, helped with relationship issues in my personal life, and provided even more connection and lifelong bonding.
lifelong change
consistent practice in an incredibly safe, challenging, and caring environment was not an easy lift… but like i say to many of the people i coach: i don’t expect anyone to walk into the gym and bench press 500lbs the first day. i’m still not perfect, but i’m better.
it takes work. muscles need to be stretched and built. habits take time.
however, this work - it’s worth it. candidly while i was introduced to conscious leadership through a retreat - i became a conscious leader through forum. if you have the opportunity to join a forum, i’d jump at the chance.
thanks for being here.
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