the hidden magic of candor
‘they call me… sweaty k.’
i was standing in front of 70 people. the ceo had just introduced me as an ‘amazing and highly sought after facilitator’ at the very start of their corporate planning offsite. it was go time. and i was covered in flop sweat, barely able to speak, let alone command the room and accomplish the huuuuge goals we had set for the next two days.
candor: the choice to reveal.
hi, if you really knew me, you’d know that i get anxious (read… very sweaty) in front of big groups. strange, for a person who went to school for performing arts, was a high school theatre nerd, and who has chosen to make public speaking the majority of my damn job, right?!
in that moment, the catastrophizing thoughts poured in.
they’re all judging me and watching me turn redder and moister by the second. ⤵️
i’m not going to do a good job. i’m gonna screw this up. ⤵️
all of these (very well paid) people took time off of their important work just to watch me fail. ⤵️
word will spread… and i won’t get another gig like this. ⤵️
without another gig, i’ll be broke. and broke means i won’t be able to afford my life. ⤵️
I’m going to be homeless in a week!
all because of my anxiety and sweatiness. i was spiraling, feeling like the victim, and stuck. but, in that moment, from way below the line, another thought popped up: ‘what tools do you have to shift?’
candor. i have the choice to reveal or conceal what’s happening inside… and if i’ve learned anything in the last few years, i always feel better and more in integrity if i choose to reveal. so i took a deep breath, and decided to get vulnerable.
‘just so you know - if you see me sweating, it’s not you - it’s me. i get anxious at the start of these things. but ironically, telling you i’m anxious… helps me be less anxious. they call me… sweaty k.’
nods, smiles, and a few chuckles crossed the room, and i felt my body relax. i could breathe, and before i knew it, my lower back was dry. a the first break, a participant walked up and thanked me for sharing so openly - and that my moment of candor had allowed them to open up more than they expected during our first activity. sharing that little bit of context about me changed the whole course of the two days we spent together.
my teacher, sue heilbronner, sums it up nicely in choice #4 of her conscious leadership framework: with candor, in any moment we have ‘The choice to reveal our authentic feelings and stories with the intent to deepen connection.’
defying personality + embracing risk
when i first heard this, it threw me for a loop. i’m an enneagram nine: the peacemaker. my safe place is home, quiet, and peaceful - i don’t want any ripples in my inner ocean. for me, sharing things comes with an innate, enormous risk of conflict, less-than-smooth relationships, and freaking drama. if i don’t tell you anything about me, you can’t not like me, you can’t judge me, and i won’t get hurt.
that persona was so tightly tied to my being that it felt like a second skin. withholding is protection. why the hell would i share, if it could potentially fuck up my world!
but, shockingly, after dipping my toes into being more candid, it turned out to be the opposite. the more i shared, the more peaceful i felt.
when we keep things inside, they fester. the mental and emotional effort it takes to hold a lack of candor is actually more stressful than being candid - for me, at least. i’ve found that by being honest, telling my story, and embracing the risk of candor, i’ve found more connection, more success, and more of myself.
rather than stewing on my withheld thoughts (stay tuned for thoughts on what we call ‘withholds’ in conscious leadership), and guessing what people’s reactions might be, now i know. don’t like me because i’m sweaty and anxious? great… now i don’t have to worry about how you feel. think i’m a little strange because i lived in a school bus / tiny home for two years? cool. don’t want to go out with me, crushing all of my stories about our incredible love story? i’m strong enough to move through it - done it before, but this time i get to know now rather than crushing on you for months.
candor vs. candidness
there’s a difference though, between candor and straight up candidness, sometimes called ‘radical honesty’ - sharing absolutely everything without regard for those around you.
a former colleague of mine was a strong believer in radical honesty, and would share all of their opinions on any topic at any time. sounds great, until you realize that they were doing it with abandon, not thinking about the impact on others. they would unintentionally offend, derail conversations, drag others into gossip, get confrontational for no reason, and generally cause others around them to not feel comfortable in conversations.
whether it’s the back half of sue’s choice (‘Being someone to whom others can express themselves honestly.’) or the framework kim scott promotes in her book radical candor, remembering to consciously choose to reveal, with care for the other people in the conversation, is key. wantonly sharing my struggles with anxiety and depression to any stranger at the bar isn’t the move. but in that room, with those clients, i knew the potential upside outweighed the risk. so i moved past the ‘vomit moment’ and jumped.
give it a try. push past the lump in your throat, and get candid. you never know what might happen on the other side of that risk.
thanks for being here.
want some encouragement and help as you implement more candor into your life? reach out and schedule an intro call for coaching.
