how not to go nuclear
i feel like you’re being resistant…
they just called me out in the middle of a tense conversation - one i didn’t expect in the slightest, on a topic that was incredibly important. my body was clammy, and my brain was simultaneously blank and full of flying thoughts.
recently, i found myself in an argument with a really close friend. a conversation that ended our friendship.
while the outcome wasn’t one i agree with, over the course of the conversation i saw myself utilize key tools from conscious leadership to remain in presence, to keep myself in integrity, and move forward with gentleness. in the hopes of bearing witness to the value of this practice, i want to share two of those moments with y’all.
presence is power.
as an enneagram nine, my unconscious, knee-jerk reaction to conflict is avoidance. it’s so easy sometimes to check out, even when appearing to be fully present to whomever i’m speaking with. as riso and hudson write in ‘the wisdom of the enneagram':
…because their withdrawal is not physical, it is not as obvious as it is in other types: nines continue to participate while withdrawing their attention from an active engagement with the world [or the conversation!].
i used to be really, really good at nodding and smiling, acting completely engaged in conversation while internally running as far away as possible. however, i’ve done a ton of work surfacing and recognizing when that unconscious desire to numb out rears its head. in this particularly upending conversation, i watched myself start to want to self-protect and mentally leave - but i reminded myself that being present, in the shit, was perhaps the most important thing i could do.
the takeaway? when you find yourself in any given stressful situation, please, please try to stay present.
even the question of ‘am i fully present right now?’ is a shift move, pulling us ever closer to being above the line, where we can act from agency. being present kept me from blind reaction-ism, which in turn kept me from falling into the bear trap of defensiveness.
avoid the bear trap.
we’ve talked before about the drama triangle, particularly about the victim role (the blame trap) - but as that friend started talking, i felt myself slipping into another common persona: the villain. i was getting defensive - coming up with snide rebuttals to every one of their points. feeling the urge to pokingly point out my perceived problems with their position.
(i also used to be a pro at this move - so much so that my therapist at the time, when they called it out, got to hear me be defensive about not being defensive… lol)
however, i was able to catch those thoughts before they became words, noting internally that throwing more gas on the fire wouldn’t help me make my points any more easy to receive. as kim scott points out in her work on radical candor, challenging directly without caring personally is known as obnoxious aggression (aka defensiveness), almost a guarantee to provoke drama in the conversation and not achieve meaningful change. i wanted so much to be an obnoxious aggressor… i mean, it’d feel so gooooood to gleefully point out the flaw in their logic… but i knew it would just hurt the process, not help it.
so i switched, and got curious. i started asking more questions to try and understand their point of view. at one point even asking what their ideal outcome would be. while it didn’t solve the rift between us, it did allow the conversation to stay within a set of boundaries, and i know, for me, i didn’t say anything i would later regret.
takeaway #2? building the muscle to recognize and move away from defensiveness might be tough (especially depending on your enneagram type), but opening up curiosity in tough conversations is often the easiest way to make progress.
Note: there’s a difference between defensiveness and radical candor. i certainly did share my strong point of view, as well as my reasoning for it - but did so relatively calmly in the hopes of restoring the connection, not widening the gap.
the last of us.
so. i lost a friend. (cue the fray playing in the background)
however, keeping my awareness and presence through the conversation, and avoiding below the line defensiveness and reactivity (as much as possible - i’m still a human) were amazing tools to help understand the argument as it happened. i got to be fully engaged while reducing what could have turned into an explosive and dramatic afternoon. it doesn’t make me any less sad about our relationship ending, but i can say with confidence that the conversation would have been much different without having these tools in my personal toolbelt.
next time you find yourself activated - an argument at work, tough conversation with your partner, or a friend who gives you unexpected feedback - ask yourself:
am i being fully present in this moment? what can i do to increase my presence?
how can i approach this through caring (radical) candor rather than obnoxious aggression?
thanks for being here.
