when i get that feeling…
looking back on my life, i can see that i spent most of my time hiding from emotions. hell, i even pushed them down for decades with the help of alcohol. as an enneagram nine, emotions (especially the big ones) were always a threat to my inner peace. why would i feel feelings if they’re going to upset my inner ocean? (even if those feelings were good - i can’t be too happy, ya know.)
regardless of your personality type, many of us have been conditioned to treat our emotions like unwelcome guests: we suppress them, rationalize them, or distract ourselves until they pass. We’ve learned to keep things "together," especially in professional settings or leadership roles. But what if the very thing we’ve been avoiding (feeling those emotions, big or small) is the key to clarity, connection, and truly conscious leadership?
emotions are content, not context.
in my world, emotions / feelings aren’t above or below the line - but how we react to them is.
by unconsciously pushing away our emotions (as well as thoughts and body sensations, but that’s another post), we drop below the line, where we get mired in drama as we pull out all the stops to hide from ourselves and what wisdom those feelings might want to tell us.
Sue heilbronner and kaley klemp, in their groundbreaking book ‘leader coach’ explain this as a choice we all have:
i can choose to see feelings as a source of information that helps me navigate situations and decisions with more awareness, or…
i can choose to resist, judge, wallow in, or apologize for my feelings - repressing, avoiding, projecting, or withholding them.
if i feel anger towards someone, i have a choice: i can operate from above the line and approach them to clear up the situation or let them know of my emotion… or i can slash their tires (guess where i am then, lol).
and this isn’t just an internal struggle. while i unconsciously battled my emotions for years, i also absolutely sucked at expressing them to others. like ‘don’t tell the girl you have a crush on that you like her for years, while silently fantasizing about how great our relationship would be’ kind of sucking. operating from below the line like that - feeling scared, defensive, or self-protective - took sooo. much. energy.
so how do we apply this in real life?
mo’ feelings, mo’ bettah.
when you notice that emotion come up - or even if you just feel… off… take a moment to check in with yourself. i’d offer that as soon as possible is best practice, but obviously if you’re not in a safe or appropriate place, processing these things a little later can be ok. over time, building this muscle of emotional presence will allow you to be much more real-time.
then, follow these steps:
1. name… that… feeling!
to yourself, Define the core emotion you’re experiencing.
Keep it simple: am i feeling anger, sadness, joy, fear, creative, or numb? The simplicity here is intentional - saying ‘im frustrated!’ is often a combination of one or more of those simple emotions. keeping things specific allows us to access and identify emotions more clearly. with practice, nuance can be added.
bonus here if you can locate where that emotion is occurring in your body - tight chest? hot ears? shaky hands?
2. deep breaths and a full experience.
when i’m below the line around an emotion, one of the stories i hold is that if i allow myself to be truly sad, that sadness won’t ever go away - i’ll be stuck in sad-land for the rest of the day, the rest of the week, hell - even the rest of my life. (hi. i have depression.)
funnily enough though, all you need is 90 seconds:
‘According to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, 90 seconds is all it takes to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate while you simply notice it. When you’re stressed, pausing ninety seconds and labeling what you’re feeling (eg., I’m getting angry), tamps down activity in the amygdala. MRI studies of the brain show that this “emotion labeling” calms the brain region involved in angry outbursts and helps you regain control. Dr. Bolte explains:
“When a person has a reaction to something in their environment,” she says, “there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.”’
and while you’re doing this - please don’t forget to breathe. A few gentle, full breaths can create the spaciousness needed to actually feel. Breath isn’t just a life force; it’s a bridge Between our mind our and body. connect those body sensations with that emotion, if you can.
3. what do you want!?
once you experience that wave of joy, or sadness, or creativity - ask yourself what that emotion might be trying to say. the conscious leadership group describes things nicely here:
Anger asks: What is no longer aligned? What needs to change or end so that something better can come along? what is no longer of service or crossing a boundary?
Sadness invites: What must be let go of, said goodbye to, or moved on from? What is ready to be mourned? what person, dream, vision, belief, or opportunity needs to be released?
Fear wonders: What do I need to face? What wants to be known? what do i need to wake up to? what needs want to be learned?
Joy exclaims: What needs to be celebrated, appreciated, or shared? what wants to be laughed at or with?
creativity whispers: What wants to be birthed or created? What connection is calling for acknowledgment?
numbness screams: what am i avoiding? what do i want to cover over for my own protection? what am i running away from?
This is where these steps toward emotional presence becomes the practice of emotional intelligence. using the awareness of our emotion to answer the questions of what we want to do, and where we’d like to go.
4. what are we going to do?
so, you’ve figured out what you’re feeling (and where). you’ve taken the time to fully feel that feeling, and have thought a bit about what that emotion is calling for.
time to figure out what to do. in my practice, i think there are a few options.
- keep processing by yourself. in my thankfully thick-walled apartment, i’ve screamed at an invisible version of a friend who i felt wronged me. i’ve wept for an hour lying naked on the floor, full on Natalie Imbruglia style. i’ve danced with joy to 90’s hip-hop. i’ve written letters to myself and others and then burned them on my grill.
- have a conversation. sometimes, it can be helpful to reveal that emotion. walking into a meeting and saying ‘i feel angry right now!’ was a common practice back at one of my startups, and often sharing your emotional experience (from a position of radical candor, seeking to reconnect with someone) can be the first step to righting or improving that relationship with a partner or co-worker.
regardless of what you choose to do, please remember that holding on to emotions, pushing them down, or minimizing them altogether is costing you precious energy and presence. every moment that nagging feeling of creativity or fear exists unrecognized, you’re making a tradeoff. as much as i can, i try to choose release over retention.
who’s to blame?
one last point. other people around you don’t cause you to feel any particular emotion. you and your body are the sole creators.
next time you catch yourself wanting to shout ‘you make me so sad’ or ‘damn, you make me feel so angry,’ notice the attribution in that language. in reality, you experienced a stimulus - a comment, a look, a missed deadline, etc - and then your mind and body came up with an emotion as a response.
instead of ‘you made me angry,’ try ‘when you said that, i felt anger.’ instead of blaming the other and causing defensiveness, you’re taking 100% responsibility for your reaction and fully owning that emotion. i know, it sounds like a semantic backflip, but it’s true. your past, your triggers, your opinions and stories… that’s what actually caused your body to respond with emotion.
you can still absolutely share how you’re feeling, just recognize that the emotion arising in you may not have been that person’s intention. i hope.
and… exhale.
In leadership, in relationships, and even in solo moments of reflection, the value of emotional presence is really hard to beat. When we identify and fully feel our feelings as they arise, we stay connected to the moment. when we’re aware and in presence, we have the ability to make cleaner choices.
This isn’t about becoming more emotional - it’s about becoming more human.
so, i invite you not to waste precious energy dwelling in your feelings, but to move through them.
the only way out is through. literally.
thanks for being here.
