the monsters behind us
who controls how you behave?
my immediate answer is… ME! but it’s deeper than that.
personality types. past traumas. old relationships. unconscious commitments. and more…
they all play a part in how we show up - the context of our daily lives and interactions. my eyes were opened to a new lens the other day, and i wanted to share this super insightful tool with y’all.
the stories that saved us
Most of us like to think we’re reacting to what’s happening right now. The present moment. The facts on the ground. however, more often than i’d like to admit, i’m responding to something much older - responding to a pattern. A story. A deeply embedded expectation about how the world works and our place in it - and i bet you are too.
this concept? our early maladaptive schemas.
yeah, i know. ‘maladaptive’ - The word itself sounds intimidating, technical, pathologizing, maybe even a little shaming. honestly, i balked at the concept the first time i learned about it. at the core, i’m A good person - what’s the deal with this maladaptive shit?!
But from above the line, schemas aren’t malicious. They are the emotional shortcuts we developed to survive environments that didn’t quite meet our needs. in order to live and lead more from above that line, sometimes we need to examine our patterns from below. if we use them as a tool (just like our enneagram ‘home type’ or examining our shadows), it can be really, really valuable.
a… schema? what does that even mean?
A schema is a deeply held belief about the self, others, and our relationships. Not a surface-level story or experience like ‘I’m nervous about this meeting’, but something more like:
I am fundamentally unlovable.
People will leave once they really know me.
My needs are too much.
I can’t rely on anyone but myself.
thing is, these Schemas aren’t just stories in our heads, They’re deeply embedded in our bodies. They show up as emotions, impulses, body sensations, and reflexive behaviors. You don’t usually think a schema, you live it. And because they operate below conscious awareness (or below the line, as we might say in conscious leadership), schemas have an uncanny ability to feel like objective facts rather than our stories or interpretations.
We don’t say, ‘i have a schema that people will reject me.’ We say, ‘People always reject me.’
that damn childhood again?
our Schemas form early, typically in childhood or adolescence, when our nervous systems are still developing. still learning what’s safe, what’s dangerous, and what’s required to connect with others. for instance, If your caregivers were emotionally inconsistent, you may have learned that closeness is unpredictable.
If they were critical, you may have learned that love must be earned through performance. If they were overwhelmed, absent, or preoccupied, you may have learned that your needs should be minimized or hidden. and often, these learnings weren’t obvious - we learned through observation, unconsciously, but the patterns still developed and calcified.
yes, this is dreadfully close to attachment theory (more on that in a later post). Early relationships shape our expectations about availability, safety, and responsiveness, which later crystallize into relational schemas. None of this requires or comes from malice. Good intentions from caregivers or early relationships can still have unintentional impact. and it happens to all of us, to differing levels.
as kids, we all had the ability to adapt… brilliantly. we are really, really aware of the context happening around us, even if we don’t have the words for it. we observed, we adjusted, and we learned rules (good and bad) for how to survive and thrive. some of those rules could have been:
Don’t need too much. that’s opening us to pain.
Don’t trust too much. that’s not how to survive.
Don’t relax too much. someone’s always out there to get you.
Don’t expect too much. everyone will let you down.
These rules might have kept us safe then - in that house, with those parents, with that partner. The problem is that schemas become rooted. They persist long after the environment has changed. and that’s the unconscious pivot point - those behaviors and things that may have been helpful and safety-generating… persist even when things are different. as adults, we project these things onto people and situations where they aren’t relevant… but they’re there. its habitual. its unconscious.
so, about that ‘maladaptive’ part…
A schema becomes maladaptive when it continues to organize our perceptions and behaviors in situations where it’s no longer necessary. in some cases, it can even actively undermine us, unconsciously.
For example, someone with an abandonment schema may scan constantly for signs of rejection. A delayed text. A shift in tone. A canceled plan. your nervous system reacts as if something catastrophic is happening, even when nothing objectively is. (coughfactsandstoriescough)
This can lead to coping behaviors that unintentionally reinforce the schema:
Clinging, which can push others away
Withdrawing, which creates isolation
Over-functioning, which breeds resentment
Emotional shutdown, which prevents intimacy
Schemas are self-fulfilling prophesies. They don’t just predict outcomes, they help create them. And when that feared outcome happens - because of the very behaviors the schema generated - it feels like proof. See? I knew it. this is just what happens.
in conscious leadership, this falls squarely into upper limiting, believing our stories are true, and even a scarcity mindset.
a number of recurring themes that show up reliably across individuals and cultures have been codified into these schemas. while there is a great assessment you can take, often You don’t need a diagnostic checklist to recognize them. for me, many of them sound painfully familiar.
Abandonment – People will leave or can’t be relied on.
Defectiveness/Shame – If others really knew me, they wouldn’t want me.
Unrelenting Standards – I must be perfect to be okay or accepted.
Self-Sacrifice – My needs matter less than others’. (this one has been super true for me.)
what to do…
even now, knowing all of this, my instinctive response to uncovering a maladaptive schema is to get rid of it. To override it. To find a way to ‘fix’ it. unfortunately, ignoring or going straight for the solution often isn’t the answer. just like in conscious leadership’s willingness questions - the first step is awareness. can i identify and become aware of when that schema shows up at work, in a meeting, about a project, or at home with my partner or kid?
Schemas soften when they’re known. when they’re understood, contextualized, and met with something different than what they expect. Often, what they expect is dismissal, invalidation, or abandonment.
A more helpful stance sounds like: Of course this makes sense. Of course this part of me learned to do this. It kept me safe once. and that’s ok.
This compassionate, experiential approach is the above the line move. another of the willingness questions is ‘can i fully appreciate and love myself for being below the line?’ - which applies here too. can you fully love and appreciate yourself for developing this pattern that protected you? that made you feel safe? From there, shifting becomes possible.
love your adaptations, then shift.
we may never reach a point where we don’t feel triggered, needy, guarded, or afraid. The goal is to notice when an old story is running the show and to create enough space to respond rather than react.
as with many of these conscious leadership concepts, it can be slow work. Relational work. Nervous-system work. deeply human work.
maladaptive schemas aren’t signs that something is wrong with you. They’re evidence that you adapted intelligently to circumstances that required adaptation. and that’s, frankly, amazing. this work isn’t about becoming someone new - It’s about letting the parts of you that learned to survive finally learn that survival is no longer the only option.
it’s about practicing life from awareness.
as always… thanks for being here.
interested in learning more about your maladaptive schemas? take this assessment - it’ll get you started.
interested in incorporating this into your leadership, or developing your practice of conscious leadership? reach out! i’m here.
